Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I'll Be Your Mirror

Another month of the songjournal has passed and it's reflection time.

What I feel most right now is that it's hard to believe only two months have passed - it feels like I've been doing this for much, much longer.

Except for the very first song I haven't made any conscious attempt to "bookend" any of the months. # 1 ("what a thing is this") was a deliberate, referential beginning to the whole project - "here it is the eve of/the end of all my dreaming" - both an invocation and a lie. I can't recall two months of more intense dreaming. I kicked off this month (#32 "hey hey") wishing somehow to get "...back to the beginning/i want to start all over again". I think that was also a lie unless I was talking about something bigger (like a re-do on my whole life which is more likely true). I end this month breathing, or more accurately concentrating on breathing (as in zazen), as a metaphor for love.

Love figures heavily in both months. I am preoccupied with it - almost as much as the dreaming (which continues unabated) and the many times I continue to ask all sorts of questions. Last night I realized the songjournal itself is like a lover - a lover destined for a long-term relationship. At this stage it's early, we're still infatuated but we've moved past the nervous stage and are feeling comfortable enough to explore the kinky stuff. Of course infatuation wears off and I wonder how the project and I will mature in our relationship. Sadly it's a relationship with a terminal illness - I've already set the "death date" at April 20, 2008 (euthanasia?). If we age gracefully our golden years will likely be January and March with a weepy decline in the first weeks of April. Like I sang in #58 ("yesterday's me and i"), "...we both cry/not wanting to lose the other/ but one of us has to go"

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